The soft smack of air kisses, the tinkling of Moet flowing into a crystal flute, the pained cry of the Wookie and the tears of the dolphin caught in the fanciest fishing net you ever saw. This is the soundscape for The Real Housewives of Sydney.
Sydney housewives AthenaX Levendi, Krissy Marsh, Lisa Oldfield, Matty Samaei, Melissa Tkautz, Nicole O’Neil and Victoria Rees wasted no time in following in the expensive shoes of their global counterparts, dishing out meaty insults just moments after meeting each other.
Episode one was packed with memorable quotes delivered in thick Aussie accents, but during their recent whirlwind visit to Auckland (Real Housewives of Sydney get candid: 'Five of us will be friends for life, the other two not so much'), Krissy, Nicole and Victoria told us that the best is yet come.
Krissy: “I always said to Johnny I don’t care, we’ll go to Colombia, we’ll get some from over there, they’re the same colour as me.”
When Krissy married at 33, she was concerned she and husband Johnny might not be able to have children of their own.
But Krissy had a back up plan that involved adopting South American children colour matched to her own skin tone.
Fortunately, she had three children of her own and didn’t have to choose her brood like paint swatches in the Resene store.
Victoria: “I did a wee in the nude on the toilet in front of her, we’re really close.”
Victoria and Krissy are great friends; their children go to the same school, they talk on the phone three times a day and sometimes they even empty their bladders together while fully disrobed.
While it’s not that unusual for women to pee in front of each other in public restrooms, they usually keep most of their clothes on. But Victoria’s wardrobe obviously comprises complicated jumpsuits that make bathroom breaks a two-person effort.
Nicole: “During the flight I take them and I walk through the whole airplane”
Nicole tried to demonstrate how she keeps her rich kids grounded and humble but instead made everyone’s eyes roll more than a loose missile in a wonky pinball machine.
Nicole and her family always fly first class (“1A is the seat to have” she says) but she wants her children to appreciate their good fortune. During the flight she parades them through economy so they can witness for themselves the squashed, uncomfortable lives of the other half.
How is this poverty porn even permitted? It seems deeply unfair that cattle class travellers aren’t allowed beyond the velvet curtains of first class yet the 1% are allowed to come down and ogle us like animals in a zoo.
But Nicole neglected to mention to her children that some people are so poor, they can’t even fly in planes at all. GASP!
Lisa: “It was great, it worked so well and afterwards I got to make soaps with the excess fat.”
While Matty was having a fat freezing treatment, Lisa revealed she’d had liposuction on her thighs and tummy. Being a woman of practical means, Lisa also claimed that she’d recycled her fat into soaps for friends and family.
This had to be a joke, but Lisa’s deadpan delivery makes it hard to tell when she’s being serious and when she’s having a laugh.
“It’s such a personal gift,” she said.
Never invite Lisa to your wedding or you’ll wind up with towels embossed with her own hair.
Lisa: “Shelley, why are you shoving your head up my vagina?”
Lisa is a scary women; when she’s not making soaps from her own fat, she’s shooting guns for relaxation and angrily telling her children to play with her 10 foot coastal carpet python.
“Pat the snake or I’ll smack you,” she scolded sons Bertie and Harry.
Lisa loves Shelley the snake and the feeling is clearly mutual as we saw in this scene when Shelley tried to get a little too close and personal to Lisa’s crotch.
Shelley then turned her attentions to Harry.
“Aah she’s coming to bite your penis,” screeched Lisa.
No wonder the poor kid isn’t too keen to pat the snake.
Melissa: “I’m still acting, I just did a film called Boar, which is about a killer pig.”
Melissa Tkautz is probably the most well known of the housewives, having made her name as an actress in the 90s on soap operas E Street and Home and Away.
But as a housewife, she is the most boring member of the group so far. We saw very little of her in episode one and her most interesting contribution was when she revealed her role in a horror movie about a homicidal pig.
Victoria: “I want some Namaste, is it like hummus?”
Athena likes to consider herself a spiritual person but her attempts to convey that to the group were roundly mocked.
“I look into your eyes and I see a beautiful soul and I give you Namaste,” she said to Nicole, offering her the Hindu greeting commonly spouted by yoga mums clad in active wear.
“Are you going to give me a bit of Namaste?” asked Krissy cheekily. “Is that some yummy bread?”
Victoria decided that she wanted a bit of Namaste too and wondered if it was anything like the delicious chickpea based dip, while Athena sighed in exasperation.
Lisa: “Can you just shut up? Sorry, look Chewbacca, back off.”
While Lisa gave a heartfelt tribute to Nicole’s parents, Krissy loudly told the group she hoped no one would cry.
Lisa didn’t appreciate the interruption and compared Krissy to Chewbacca, inferring she was tall, hairy and incapable of intelligent speech.
“She’s big, she’s loud and everything that comes out is nonsensical, it may as well be OOOWWWOOOWWOOO, like Chewie,” Lisa said to camera.
“I didn’t watch Star Wars, what’s Chewbacca look like?” wondered Krissy.
“It’s not good,” Lisa told her.
Victoria later explained to Krissy that Chewbacca was “a big hairy unit.”
“I’ve been lasered, I’m not hairy,” said Krissy defensively.
Victoria: “I’m worried it’s going to choke a dolphin”
Victoria and Athena clashed from the start. It didn’t help that Victoria heard that Athena had been repeating a friend’s claim that Victoria had been a “fat little girl” in her youth.
After much back and forth, Victoria appeared to extend an olive branch of friendship, asking if she could try on Athena’s cape, which looked like someone had taken an axe to a playground climbing trellis.
Instead, Victoria threw the pricey garment overboard, screeching, “You can go and get your f****ing cape,” while the rest of the women gasped in horror.
Victoria considered she’d done Athena a good turn disposing of her rope accessory but she did have concerns for the marine life, particularly dolphins.
On her recent trip to Auckland, Victoria told us that tossing the cape was her escape route from the awkward party.
“It’s a different relationship when you’re on camera, you might think something about a girlfriend or want to say something but you don’t say it whereas when we’re filming we just say whatever we think so it crossed by mind. And I wanted to go home so I thought get rid of the cape and I’m out of here.”
She has since apologised to Athena for setting her fishing net adrift and offered to buy her a new one. If you watch the clip you’ll notice that Victoria was quick to grab her own fur stole in case Athena paid her back in kind.
“I went ‘where’s my fur’ because I thought sh*t I don’t want that going over. I’ve apologised to her and I’ve said I’m sorry and I’m happy to buy her another one.”
“Just down at the local fishing store,” quipped Nicole.
The Real Housewives of Sydney airs Tuesdays at 8.30pm on Bravo