Odds Mr Average will shoot before she scores: 33 per cent

Good things come to those who wait. Unfortunately, there's a one-in-three chance that won't be you.

Be better than average If you're losing control, think of Masters and Johnson. No, not the two fat guys in accounts. "These two renowned sex therapists broke sexual response into four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution," says Dr Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First. "Most men crash through plateau straight to orgasm, but the trick is identifying your point of no return."

If this sounds harder than sitting through a Gwyneth Paltrow marathon, fear not. "Rate your excitement from one to 10," says Kerner, referring to sex rather than the thought of a Sliding Doors/Duets double bill. "Keep yourself at seven by slowing thrusts and getting her on top so you're less stimulated. If you're edging eight, squeeze below the head of your penis. This represses the ejaculatory response." Just like meeting your mother-in-law, but less embarrassing at this juncture.

Number of one-night stands Mr Average has had: 7

And you all seem to be sharing the same few floozies, too, since 90 per cent of women consider them immoral.

Be better than average Pick a scantily dressed target. The trusty "the less she puts on, the more she puts out" equation has hard science behind it. University of California researchers found that when women are ovulating, they flash more flesh to attract a mate. "She won't realise this subconscious desire to secure your swimmers, but she will be hornier," says Siski Green, author of How to Blow Her Mind in Bed.

And make yourself heaven-scent. Research in the journal Human Reproduction found a woman's sense of smell is most sensitive when she's at her most fertile, so take advantage with citrus aftershave. Researchers at Northwestern University in the US found citrus smells most increased "likeability".

Try ck one from Calvin Klein ($65/100ml, efragrance.com.au).



Odds Mr Average is eyeing up a work colleague: 53 per cent

"Work relationships can have benefits," says Judi James, author of Sex at Work: A Survival Guide. "You understand her motivations and stresses, but most importantly you can properly check her out before hooking up." And there's a one-in-four chance she'll stay after hours, too.

>Be better than average "Take advantage of the close proximity over a long period," says Kate Taylor, author of Not Tonight Mr Right. "There's less pressure than in a bar, where you can blow it in seconds," says Taylor, (who's talking about the situation, Mr Mucky Thoughts).

"Start laying your foundations," says Julianne Balmain, author of Office Kama Sutra. "Share credit for projects and be openly supportive in meetings. She'll start subconsciously viewing you as a protector and potential partner. Swing by her desk often; it makes it easier to go from 'I'm bored of these reports' to 'fancy a beer?'."


Mr Average's chance of getting first-date sex: 20 per cent

During the post-dinner chat, you could casually mention that first-date sex is more, not less, likely to ensure a long-term relationship. "Orgasm releases the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which are associated with the build-up of commitment, bonding and trust," says Dr Barry Gibb, author of The Rough Guide to the Brain.

Be better than average "Women are programmed by society against having first-date sex," says Green. "So the key is making the date as un-date-like as possible. Take her out during the day, to a gallery, a museum, the zoo..."

Yep, that means you'll be without your beer crutch, but try to keep the talk smooth. "Focus the conversation on her," says Dr Dennis Neder, author of Being a Man in a Woman's World. "Go deeper than her job and ask about her earliest memory - make her feel like the two of you have a connection; that you're less like two strangers." Just don't ask her how she likes her eggs in the morning.

Mr Average's penis size: length 14.75 centimetres, girth 12.5cm

Think you might be too small? You're not alone. Research in the UK by the Royal Hallamshire Hospital found over 50 per cent of men with normal-sized tackle mistakenly considered themselves "too small". Ms Average begged to differ: 85 per cent of women were happy with their partner's size.

Be better than average "Pills in your inbox promising inches on your lunch-box won't work," says urological surgeon Dr Francis Chinegwundoh. "You only get dramatic results with surgery, but it's complex, risky and I wouldn't recommend it."

There are, however, ways you can secure a small increase. First, ditch the smokes. Despite his lengthy lasso, the Marlboro Man probably wasn't hung like a horse. University of California research found smokers' penises were on average up to two and a half centimetres smaller than non-smokers'. They reckon smoking makes penile tissues less elastic so they can't reach full stretch.

"Developing your pubococcygeus muscles can also increase girth a fraction of an inch," says sexual therapist Alex Robboy. To find these muscles, stop peeing mid-flow and feel where you tense. For best results, squeeze and hold the muscles for a count of 10, 20 times a day.

The number of hours Mr Average reputedly spends each month thinking about sex: 75

This is in stark contrast to the four and a half hours he actually spends doing it - and he's not happy. The Durex Global Sex Survey has found only 33 per cent of men are satisfied with how often they have sex, and only 38 per cent reckon it's worth the wait. Hardly worth taking off your socks, really.

Be better than average No need to cash in your super and head for Bangkok, the sure-fire route to more action is giving her more, bigger orgasms. "The anticipation of peel-me-off-the-ceiling orgasms spikes her sex drive," says Dr Yvonne Fulbright, author of Touch Me There.

"See the Missionary as a sexual hors d'oeuvre," says Dorian Solot, co-author of I Love Female Orgasm. "Then lie on your side with her on her back at 90º and get her to swing both legs over your hips. The shallow thrusts will stimulate her G-spot and provides easy access for stroking her clitoris."