Former All White Noah Hickey explains how he got back to a positive place

Meeting Noah Hickey, it's difficult to imagine that the vivacious and energetic former football star was once consumed by a deep depression.

The successful businessman, who played for the All Whites for 10 years - incorporating a stint for a Finnish club - is confident and clearly content with life. But a bout of depression in his teens, which resulted in him temporarily quitting the game he loved, is etched firmly in his mind.

Years later the 31-year-old is determined not to relive those feelings, and spoke exclusively to New Idea to share his experience of how the debilitating illness can be overcome.

‘I'd thought about the worst sort of things you could do, which is startling because I was at such a young age where I wasn't mature enough mentally to even comprehend what I was actually considering. But it's not about hardening up or being tough. It's just a matter of getting to a positive place again and being happy.'

A talented young sportsman, Noah was just 13 years old when overwhelmingly negative thoughts began to consume him.

‘Playing football was literally all I was doing besides school,' he says. ‘I was training every day after school and had probably three or four games every weekend. It was intense and competitive, and I loved it because I was doing well and scoring lots of goals. But those great moments were pretty short-lived because I knew I had to strap on my boots and do it again and again.'

It took hitting a low point of desperation six months later for him to finally share his feelings with his mum, Sally.

‘She picked me up from practice one night and I remember in the car on the way home asking her if she'd ever thought of something like suicide. She said to me, "No, no, why's that?" And I just told her that I hated everything. I hated football, I hated this and that, and I just didn't want to do it any more.

‘I had become quite anti about everything and I guess, looking back, I wasn't the best person to be around. At that age you're full of mixed emotions.'

While some parents may have panicked at the admission, Noah says his mum's response was better than anything he could have wished for.

‘She said, "Well I'll ring your coaches and you can finish playing football tomorrow." She told me I could do whatever it was I wanted to and that I'd be amazing at it.'

Tough choices

Noah gave up the school and representative teams he played for - a decision the aspiring athlete, who was tipped for great success, struggled enormously with.

‘Football was my whole life and I was giving up the one thing I knew, and that there was a pathway in front of me for. I think other kids at the age might thrive on it, if they've got that goal in mind,' he says. ‘In hindsight I probably had a lot of things I also wanted to do at that time and that lifestyle just wasn't right for me.

‘But I was destroyed by the idea I was letting so many people down; my coaches and my family.'

Noah decided to spend 12 months away from the pressures of the football field, instead focusing on surfing and spending time with his friends and family.

‘It was cool. I had the time to really find myself and work out what it was that made me happy.'

The break helped him discover a greater love for the game. He emerged more focused and determined to succeed. Three years later he reached his ultimate goal of becoming an All White by the age of 18.

‘I came back a better player and so much hungrier to do well.'

Although he admits it was difficult to confront the situation, he says speaking up was the key to his recovery.

‘It's a big deal for anyone, Kiwis especially, as I think we're very much reluctant to admit a weakness. One of the biggest failings in our culture is a fear of rejection and failure.'

He adds, ‘It can be such an easy change to the recipe or to life that can be so beneficial in moving forward.'

He believes that the fine line between ‘needing to take some harden-up pills' and developing depression is one that needs to be tread carefully. While he wasn't clinically diagnosed with depression, Noah says it scares him to think what may have evolved had he not received the wonderful support from Sally and his dad, David.

‘I'm fortunate that they took the approach they did,' he says. ‘It's crucial to have good guidance and people around you who are willing to understand and support you with what you're going through. It would've been easy for them to dismiss my feelings and say, "You've got a big game on Saturday, you should be worried about that." But sometimes that's not what you need to hear.'

Officially hanging up his football boots in 2007 to pursue other dreams, Noah now co-owns kids clothing label Y mama Y?. He has also established Shine, a mentoring programme alongside the Auckland University of Technology, dedicated to developing young sportspeople's potential. He and his partner of two years Susie Drummond, 25, will marry next March.

Noah puts his happiness and success down to working hard and making the most of the opportunities he's been given, but insists his experience with depression has been instrumental in shaping his positive perspective.

‘I don't sweat the small things - and most things are small things in the end,' he says. ‘If it doesn't work out straightaway, there's solution around the corner.'

Although Noah hasn't again been confronted with the feelings he experienced 18 years ago, he now feels he'd be better equipped to deal with them if he was.

‘I've never come close to thinking along those lines again and I think that's purely because of how it was dealt with at the time. I have an insight into what it's like to not feel good, and I don't want to let my mind slip into anything like that ever again.'

The 2004 City Celebrity, Country Nobody star is also a supporter of The Lowdown, a website for young people going through a tough time, on which he features.

‘There's a skateboarder, a rugby player, a musician - basically someone everyone can relate to. They can get an idea of a whole lot of high-profile people who have experienced something similar, which is a great first step, and might be all it takes to get help.'

By Sarah Mason