Your kids might be small but they have feelings too - so let them talk.

Often in our busy lives as parents, with our attention focused on so many things, we may be only half-listening to our children as they are chatting away to us.

We may also be guilty of trying to convince them they are - or should be - happy when in fact they're not.

It's very hard for a child to have good self-esteem if they are constantly given the message ‘don't talk, don't think, don't feel'. Of course, none of us would consciously want our children to believe that, but we can give off that message, when we try to talk them out of negative feelings.

You can't tell a child what they're feeling. They know if they're upset or not. We can perhaps help them ‘label' the turmoil inside with appropriate words, but we can't contradict the clear evidence of what they are experiencing. Our most valuable response is empathy - feeling what they feel and honouring the child's emotions before coaching them to act appropriately.

Contradicting their emotions takes you ‘off their team' - you are basically calling them a liar. When we brush aside, dismiss or minimise their emotions, we are pushing them away and shutting them down.

A valuable tool in relating to your child and encouraging their emotional health is reflective listening. This is the skill of acknowledging that we understand what our child is feeling. We need to remember that these feelings may be hidden in what the child is saying or in their behaviour.

The most important aspect of reflective listening is to actually listen, and try the following:

• Look them in the eye.
• Nod.
• Speak in a warm tone.
• Repeat back exactly what you heard them say.
• Avoid summarising, solving or putting your own perspective on their feelings.

The response you want from your child is, ‘Yes! More information is on the way!' The best way to learn how to get this response is to practise. It's a skill every communication workshop teaches. By practicing it with your children, you will also be gaining the skills for every other valuable relationship in your life, and by watching you, your kids will be learning one of the most effective communications skills needed in life.

 

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