When the heat rises it can be easy to boil over. The key is to regulate it.

Every family experiences a time when the temperature starts to rise. Parents and children alike start to heat up like a pot of water that is beginning to boil.

It's important at this time for parents to ask themselves the important and sometimes difficult question, ‘Am I being a thermostat or a thermometer?' A thermostat controls the temperature, whereas a thermometer will reflect it.

Sometimes it feels easier to be a thermometer and take our cue from the behaviour of our children - they are grumpy so we are grumpy too, they shout so we shout back, they withhold affection so we do the same.

In the long term this choice undermines our effectiveness as parents, and will set up the belief in children that they take their cue from their surroundings instead of making their own choices about how to behave.

Confident parents set the atmosphere of their home. They keep calm, they keep cool and they keep loving. Children learn to model their own behaviour from their parents'.

But as a parent how can we ensure that we are operating as the thermostat? The same as with most parenting, it is about having strategies ready to implement in the moment. We won't always get it right but if we set out with the right intention, and keep on practising, over time it is bound to become automatic.

The first strategy is for both parents to discuss and decide together what is the ‘ideal' environment you both want for your family. This is something the children can be involved in. Create a picture for the family and include how it looks and feels. Words to use may be fun, love, respect.

When the heat starts to rise in a situation, stop and breathe. If need be, count to 10. Remove yourself from the situation, then remind yourself of the ‘ideal'.

Take a few moments to picture this scene and make a conscious choice to return to your family and be that model. Sometimes, it's about faking it until you make it.

If fun is something you want as part of your family ideal, then come back singing a silly song. If love, then give each child a hug. With respect, you could say, ‘I'm sorry I got all heated up, now we're going to have a break and talk about it later when we have all cooled down.'

Once the thermostat is set to the appropriate temperature for your family, you can then address the original issue using an adult perspective. With these kinds of situations, it's important to come back to the family rules around behaviour, and then work as
a team to find a solution to the original issue.

So next time the pot starts boiling, stop and think, ‘Am I a thermostat or thermometer?'

 

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